Author: John Darpino

This is the time of the year that the starlings speak to us.

Many have experienced its’ exciting spectacle; few have summoned the words close to describing it. The seemingly choreographed movement of hundreds, sometimes thousands of little black birds, in the tightest possible formation, moving-as one. An intricate, shifting, turning, twisting arial dance whose purpose is twofold (my speculation). One is a protection to deter efforts of large predatory birds, another is to provide the Creator a window to experience its creation. The window is you and I who are yanked out of our self enslaved cave of delusion, if only for the short time that it takes to marvel at the spectacle, and to allow the spirit within us to serve as a conduit between the Creator and created. We didn’t have to do anything: we just had to not get in the way.

The starling has no problem with self delusion or collective unconsciousness and, in the movement as one entity comprised of many individual birds, fully demonstrates its embrace of a controlling energy.What is that energy, if not the spirit within each bird.That energy shared by every bird is the same energy that is in all life forms, is-in fact- life itself.

The human being is a whole other issue. On the one hand, like the bird, we are living creations, sharing a time on Earth for a while, then gone. Also, as the starling exemplifies a collective oneness, we also share a collective oneness. The difference is the oneness of the starling is spiritual, the oneness of humanity is a collective unconsciousness. (They do not share our space in the cave of delusion.)

The free form murmuration of starlings that awakens us, if only for a short time, is one of many examples of who we really are, although we have yet to recognize it. That is simply to say, in my view, we share that same spirit.

We don’t recognize it because we are a species with a highly developed brain. Collectively, we devote most of our brain power contending with a overly propagandized society that defines one in terms of consumerism and body identification. In other words we are told that we are bodies, what body types we should aspire to, and what we should consume in order to be better. A much smaller amount of our collective brain power is applied in areas of discovery, providing us with many achievements that we can identify with, in anthropology, social sciences, and a rapidly exploding era of technology. All of these endeavors, although often exciting and mind captivating, are not who we are, but what we do. They tell our story.

We chose to live in our cave; most of us content to take on the challenge of surviving the next day, week, or year in our highly controlled society; for far fewer, the next challenge our ingenuity contrives. All reasons, mundane or exciting, are diversions from who we really are.- the same spirit that inspires us in the murmuration of the starlings.

Maybe it’s my age, perhaps tempered by the freedom I feel, with my ever increasing life- moments living in the present, free of ego, past events, and future expectations- whatever it is, I feel optimistic. I see signs (of course I am always looking for them) that a growing awareness of who we really are is on the upswing. Although we are far from the paradigm change that-at some point in our evolution- will transform the basis of our life stories from ego ( living in the cave) to spiritual oneness with the universe.

I wish you happy holidays.

How they came into being   

Maybe a cry at child birth, a growl in defiance to an attack by a beast or other being, perhaps a surprising yelp in response to a sting by a bee when foraging honey – for some reason, at one time or another, about 300,000 years ago, human kind first discovered its’ ability to produce sound. Thus began a communication process that evolved from grunts and groans to five vowels and and a handful of consonants in various combinations to form words. I suppose the basic sounds are interpreted differently in different parts of the world, thus different words, different languages. However, their usage appears to be universal.

For what purpose

I try to imagine how it all began. Coincidentally, perhaps, the ability to vocalize was accompanied by a number of other sensory capabilities; to see, hear, smell, taste, feel. Did human kind exhibit these sensory capabilities all at once,  or was it a long process of sensory development over time. In either case, the brain had to assimilate or process what the senses presented to it and what they presented to it was the “entirety”. Imagine the sensory overload inundating the brain- try to imagine what that must have been like if you can. Actually, you can’t. Understand; the first humans didn’t see a forest of trees, flowers, butterflies, mountains, sky, clouds, bodies of water (i.e., , oceans, rivers, streams) other humans, animals, insects- they saw none of that- there were no such things. I presume what they saw, the entirety, was a sensual feast of incomparable magnitude.

How else to make sense of this to the human being, other than to approach the entirety by focusing on one piece of it at a time, essentially fragmenting it into countless pieces. Each piece  assigned a unique sound (i.e., word) and further identified  in accordance with  other sensory capabilities, giving rise to words  such as hard, soft, sweet sour, large, small, etc. Utilizing words as a primary means of communicating “piece identity” we then  compared each identified thing with another. We differentiated,  categorized, extrapolated, minimized, and maximized.  There are around 470,000 words in a standard American dictionary. Words continue to be added to that count.

So What

What is the significance of this verbal diatribe. For starters, it’s good for you to think about this-I doubt that you have. An other is that “reality” that you (and I) perceive is a fragmented view of what is. A man-made, or contrivance  of the entirety. I look out my window and see a tree, more precisely a pine tree. If you were here beside me, you would concur. I know what that is- it’s a pine tree. Is it, really? I think it may be more appropriate, more honest to say “ I don’t know”, we identify it as a pine tree. Pine tree is an assigned designation that we coined. We see it as a separate entity from the other things above, below and around it, such as the sky, clouds, bushes and grass- all of which we assigned different designators. 

Words are very powerful in every society. Our entire knowledge base is defined by them. However, I’m here to suggest that words are a couple of steps down the ladder from reality. At best, words point to things, they don’t define them. At worst, they create the delusion  that everything is separate. Remember, we couldn’t deal with the entirety, as it was presented to us, so we fragmented it. We created our own reality, based upon separation. On a personal level, we don’t see ourselves as being one with each other, instead we see others- perhaps more or less similar to us, but non the less, different then us. It may be an illusion, but it is something we can process.  Is your life an illusion ?

Can words move mountains?

I don’t know how, but who does? The use of words are many and varied. From an overall perspective, words are our primary means of communicating with one another. From a more critical perspective, we might agree that word usage varies. In some instances they attempt to communicate information in a balanced, detailed and objective way. Usually, we see examples of such from scientific presentations, and journalistic efforts. In other instances words are used by those so accomplished to describe a scene as an artist might paint a landscape, perhaps the best use of them. 

Words have been used to inspire, give hope, encouragement, essentially breath life into other human beings. We have many examples of that; from Jesus of Nazareth, through  time to Abe Lincoln, Winston Churchill,  and Martin Luther King, to mention a few of many.  On the other hand, words have been used to lie, degrade, deceive, emasculate, in effect, taking life from other human beings. In my lifetime, examples are Hitler and our current presidential candidate- there are many others throughout history. 

Both are extreme examples of giving or taking life from others. Less extreme, but far more frequently, we exercise the very same choice, to give or take life from everyone we encounter. We probably don’t think about it that way, but that’s what we do. Whenever we encourage and accept the expressed views or beliefs of another as they’re right, even though we may not agree with them, we support their life , in essence, breathing life into them. When we impose our views or beliefs on others whose beliefs or views differ, we’ re putting the other down, effectively taking life from them. 

In conclusion

Little earlier in this writing I asked a question: Is your life an illusion? I believe yours (ours) is an illusion. However, it may be a purposeful one. We couldn’t handle the entirety in any other way than we did. I suspect that (possibly) it is a next step toward approaching the entirety. That is to say; by learning to accept one another, to support life for all, we are a step closer to unity as one people. 

That is a major step in our evolution. Once taken, a oneness with other fragments of the entirety may occur to us. In the meanwhile, a walk in the woods, amongst the flora and fauna with a sensitivity for the energy we share, sharing moments alone with a pet cat or dog, an experience of a vast and powerful ocean, the marvel of a hummingbird in flight should provide ample reason for optimism. 

Anyway, that’s what occurred to me- I thought you might want to know.

…..And in the meanwhile, live your illusion and always “ be authentic, be who you are”,  “go your own way”, trust the process- in reality, you can’t go wrong -even if you tried.

Relationships

C Relationships

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to devine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men.” 

-Albert Einstein

The “Who and why”, previously reviewed are a prelude to “How”, i.e., how to build relationships. All relationships depend upon the person inside calling the shots, whether he responds with his higher self (always life affirming), or reacts with his lower self, i.e., ego (sometimes life affirming, usually not). I am fortunate enough to have had many relationships in my time and I have had much to draw upon in my retrospective analysis of their characteristics. None more so than my relationship with my life partner in marriage. I generally categorize  my experience in three parts: person-to-person, person-to-event, and person and things. 

I. Person-to-Person

The Early Relationship – Jo and I began our relationship 62 years ago. We met at a rock and roll club (a bar, actually). I asked her out on a date, we hit it off well enough to plan on marriage in little under a year later. Our early relationship was characterized by a desire to be the kind of person that most pleased the other. I was entirely focused on presenting my best self to her. She reciprocated. It was the best time of my life up to that point in my life. It was an experience of shared oneness that became even more so with the birth of our first child. The best time in my life got even better. Then came the first test.

In order stay employed by RCA, I had to accept a transfer to a defense site in Nebraska or Alaska. Since most of my finances were tied up in a new house, I couldn’t chance losing my job, so I chose to go to Alaska, leaving Jo to  tend to our new baby and new house, alone. She had help from my  parents and her parents, but she had to carry most of the load herself. Long story short, we sold the house and  Jo and Paula flew to Alaska to join me. (That’s a whole other story.) In Alaska our relationship continued as it was before. We were together and we were happy. 

As time passed and our family grew, things started to change, subtly. I did my stuff, i.e., go to work, take out the trash, etc., and Jo did her stuff like taking care of the kids, housework, shopping, cooking, etc. In retrospect I can see where “expectation” started creeping into our relationship. If I came home and no dinner was prepared for one reason or another (not that it happened very often), I would be disappointed. Likewise, if she refused my advances. In similar fashion, if I neglected to do some thing that was “ my task to accomplish”, Jo would express her disappointment. In the past, I would be more concerned about her wellbeing if she was unable to do something for some reason. Now, it was more about me. 

The Honeymoon Is Over Period- As I mentioned, the change is subtle. It wasn’t  about the issues that created the disagreements that occurred time to time, although we may have thought it was. Maybe we became too familiar with one another? Took each other for granted? Without us realizing it, a shift in perspective  happened. Self became number one, other became number 2.

 “Expectations” have a tendency to dominate  over time and could lead to the dissolution of a relationship- any relationship – husband & wife, parent to child, best friends (but never man and his dog). For Jo and I, our relationship became somewhat like a business arrangement, which worked well when we were each doing our job, but suffered when one or the other failed to do so. This period, unfortunately, starts after the proverbial  “honeymoon is over” phase of a relationship, and continues for a long time. It wasn’t a particularly difficult time for us because we were fairly good at coming together after a disagreement. We learned that it was better to chose our relationship over being right. One of the better insights gained early in our marriage. 

The Golden Years-Thankfully, we were able to weather the storm and return to sanity after the many arguments caused by not meeting the others expectations. We were rewarded over time, got to know one another better and, because we care, regained our focus on the other (at least more often than before). Expectation diminishes. I call these the golden years. 

For Jo and I, life became more relaxed and intimate in different ways than they were during the first two periods of  our relationship.  We could anticipate each others needs, or desires; we could communicate without talking, and ultimately accept a fading shared- past, due to an illness that predominates among the elderly.

Questions

Consider where you are in your relationships, with parents, siblings, best friends or significant others. Can you ascertain which stage of your relationship applies in each  (or any) case?

Are you ready to chose relationship over being right? If not, how do you justify your position?

Comments

One of the many good things about being old is that you have time and – in my case- a tendency to be retrospective. Regarding my experience with human relationships, as recorded above, I’ve pointed out three distinct periods ( the early relationship,The honeymoon is over, and golden years). One characteristic that connects all three periods is that they are self motivated, that is ego-centric. 

During the early relationship, when you put you best self forward, you do so because you desire an other and want him (her) to be part of your life. Unconsciously, you see in the other the satisfaction of a need that you have. A need for companionship, physical love, security- all  to combat loneliness, fear, a sense of lack.

When in “the honeymoon is over” phase, the desire for order, security, and help in meeting the daily challenges of your life journey predominates. That is when meeting expectations is most pronounced. This is probably where ego-based responses are at their highest- and they are not all so bad. But rest assured, they are still products of insecurity and fear.

Though characterized by the inability to continue many of the things that brought us joy during the first two periods of our relationship, the golden years are just that. Things are much easier, more fulfilling and generally less stressful. Although I had an episode of extreme stress when we put Jo in a nursing home.

Ego-based actions still persist. Fear and insecurity have been dominant throughout the evolution of human experience and will only diminish as we become more attuned to our higher self and recognize that we are not a separate entity but part of the oneness, the whole, the universe.

Suggestions

I don’t think it’s possible not to be in disagreement with another person from time to time. Sometimes the heat generated by the disagreement makes it  difficult to think clearly about  how much you value the relationship you share. My one suggestion is that you allow some time to pass. The healing power and clarity that time allows usually works in your favor. As I said before, be true to yourself above all. Also, understand that your relationship, at this time in your life is assuredly based on a need you look to satisfy.      

Perhaps you may chose relationship over being right, or you may chose to dissolve the relationship.

II. Person- To-Event ( the Whole, the Universe)

“Trusting the universe means surrendering to the flow of  life and having faith that everything is happening exactly as it should. It means releasing control and letting go of the need to know what’s coming next. When we trust the universe, we open ourself up to infinite possibilities that life has to offer, and we invite the magic and mystery of the unknown”

-Bernadette Logue

In the movie Good Morning Vietnam there is a Scene in which a Vietnamese man is attending a class Robin Williams was given. He was asked what he would do if confronted by someone intent to shoot him with a gun, to which he casually replied “ I suppose I would die”. In an other film recently seen, a Russian spy who had been active for 20 or so years in the USA was apprehended by the FBI. The spy, who’s cover was a violin repair person, displayed a calm demeanor as he was taken away by his captures. When asked why he didn’t appear to be upset by the situation, responded “ what difference would it make”. I would like to think I would respond in kind, but I’m sure I wouldn’t. I would fear for my life in both instances.

Life happens. It’s not personal. In my life, there are countless times when I was upset for many reasons i.e; damned traffic for making be late, rain ruining my planned outing, Eagles losing to the Cowboys, on and on. It’s pretty dumb on my part to think that life happens according to my plans. It’s even dumber to get upset over what has already happened. (It happened already!!) As foolish as these reactions are, we all are guilty of them. It seems to be the human condition. 

Questions

How do you feel when something doesn’t go as you would have it; i.e., a friends tardiness makes you late for an event, you didn’t get the expected pay raise, didn’t get the job you wanted? Do you feel like you have to be in control of all situations?

Comments

I believe in setting goals and putting together plans to help one reach them. However, often life gets in the way and those plans often don’t work out. When such occurs, one normally gets upset (expectations were not realized). That is the way we seem be wired. We like to think that we are in control. The reality is we are not.

Suggestions

What will serve you well is to recognize that the universe, of which you are at one with, doesn’t manifest according to your plans. You go with its’ flow. Don’t get mad, simply revise your plans. Adapt and proceed. If you are not there yet, stay true to yourself, own who you are. Trust the process if you can.

Person and Things 

We live in a country with an unrelenting demand for our attention. It wants us to be a certain way and provides many, many things to help us approach where they say we should be. For the most part, it’s bullshit of course, but it works. A big house, fancy car, the latest fashion makes you a better you! Really? Yet people clamor for these things, and actually believe the con.

I was no different. Much of my life was spent in acquiring  things (less is more, and minimalist living were not popular or fashionable in my day). Actually I wasn’t too bad, in that I only owned a home. Most of my cars were leases (although, it feels like owned). But I liked to acquire things: books, pizza ovens, pretty cars, clothes, etc. I got the feeling that having acquired something made me feel good. Like it added to me. That good feeling waned after a period of time with the new toy of the day. But there was always something else to buy for another temporary high. Eventually I come to the realization that things were much over rated.

Now I am learning to let go. I find that letting go of material things is not hard for me to do. It is freeing, in the sense that those things I cared about required mental maintenance. That  is no longer an issue. What I find to be much more difficult to let go of are the memories of when I failed to be my higher self, like my little cousins piano playing incident 70 + years ago. There are other incidents as well. It is difficult for me to let go of my self judgements, and to reject my little-me self image.. I’m working on it.   

Questions

What do you see as your most enviable asset when interacting with others? Do you rely on it to achieve a desired result? Class clown, glamorous, intellectual, smooth- move (that’s a laxative) kind of guy? Can you imagine putting that asset aside when interacting with a person for the first time? 

How well do you handle something that doesn’t go your way for whatever reason,,,, a roadblock in your life. Do you react (anger, confusion, stress); react and adapt ( anger, some stress, recovery); or simply adapt (so cool)? How are you and things? Do you insist on the best? Can you be content with less?

Comments

There is a phrase- less is best, another frequently used expression is “what we own, owns us”. The less one acquires, the less one has to spend, or even think about and that’s a good thing. Ownership demands that we spend our energy, time and resources to keep what we own. It keeps us locked in and that’s not a good thing.

Suggestions

In my youth, I did what most of my peers did, i.e., try to look like everyone else. Choose the in-clothes and essentially become one with the herd. There is safety in that and if that is what you think you need at this point in your life, go for it. Enjoy the good (even though temporary) feelings that come with acquiring something new, be it clothes, car, or whatever. Be who you are at this time. But don’t kid yourself. Know better. You are probably catering to a lack of self esteem or fear of not measuring up. We can thank marketing and the media for convincing us how we should look and how we should live our lives.

The Importance of Relationships

If human kind is to survive (the odds are not very good in my view) it has to transcend the discord of aggression, greed, and self-service that currently defines it.  I suppose one could make the case that mankind has come a long way in the 300,000 years of its’ existence. Yes it has been around for what seems like a long time to us, but in planetary terms, it’s not even a drop in the bucket. 

Add to that, the potential for a nuclear holocaust resulting in the near extermination of human kind continues to grow as other countries enter into the nuke sweepstakes. Why? No one wants to kill other human beings, but when they fear that others are out to kill them and they lack the means  to protect themselves, things get very complicated. Lack and fear, the very same obstacles we face in our individual relationships, are shared in relationships between countries. 

Now I’ve managed to get through 88 years of life by living in a society governed by law and order by simply being civil. My rights are guaranteed and that’s good. Other societies that share our planet are not so fortunate.  Inequities in the global community cause instances of discontent, aggression, and wars around the planet. National and international laws and attempts at global stability have helped somewhat, but not proven to be effective in maintaining global order. In my view , change has to start at the grass-roots. There has to be a paradigm shift in human-to human relationships, if humankind is to survive. We have experienced 300,000 years of me first, other second. That has to change to other first, me second. It is as simple as that. It is as difficult as that.

Major tenets of spirituality that were (and somewhat still are) confusing to me include the Soul, Holy Spirit, and Consciousness.

Soul and  Holy Spirit are terms that are used interchangeably. It is thought of as being infused into the body at conception. The Soul (or Holy Spirit) is thought to be the very breath of life, ones connection with immortality. The body is a temporary vessel for an immortal Soul in the mortal realm. When we die, our physical body dies, but our Soul lives on. This is a composite of what I learned in my review of the different religious beliefs on the matter. I have come to think of it as an energy that animates my life. I say that, in part, because I can feel the energy when I direct my attention, or become conscious of my internal being. I can feel the energy most strongly in my toes and my fingers. You can also if you direct your conscious awareness to those extremities. At first it will be hard to do because your brain chatter gets in the way. If you can stop your thoughts, or put them on hold for a moment, direct your conscious awareness to your toes or fingertips, you should be able to feel energy. If you are good at this, you may feel the energy in other parts of your body as well.

I could say much more about the Holy Spirit and its’ effect on my life, but I am going to let it go. Suffice to say I am learning to ask it (Holy Spirit) what “I should do” and what “I should not do” on a daily basis. So far, so good.

Consciousness is a subject that has been a topic of discussion in the scientific world of late. The questions of what the term means and whether it survives death. The best way I can describe my thoughts on the matter is to call it an awareness, more appropriately, a conscious awareness of the moment. That’s sort of a nebulous phrase, I know. One way to illustrate how I view this is to consider a situation of extreme danger – you are witnessing a toddler stepping onto the street in the midst of traffic. Your attention and awareness totally takes over and you respond to the toddlers situation with no regard for self. That’s extreme, but I think it may illustrate what I am getting at. That level of consciousness in the present moment, unencumbered by thoughts of self. I have come to recognize that, in me, it manifests as the guy inside of me calling the shots. In any situational or personal  encounter, I ( the guy inside) could defer to the ego- you remember what that is- or I could defer to my higher self . To be consciously aware is to defer to my higher self. I of course, like 99+% of other people I know, defer to the ego. Now that’s not always so bad because in many instances I am agreeable with others. Aspects of my ego and that of others are similar in some ways. In my experience, it’s like talking to someone about how good ice cream is. You’r rarely going to get in an argument over that. However, often egos’ clash and the result is often hurtful and self serving, leading to conflict and bad choices.

Less than two years ago, it became obvious to my children that Nona needed more help than I could provide for her personally and on top of that my health had eroded to the point where I had to be hospitalized and undergo minor surgery. They made the decision that the only reasonable course of action was for Nona to go into a nursing home. This would provide better care for her and relief for me. I fought that decision vehemently and struggled inside because I knew they were right in their assessment of the situation but couldn’t bear to let go. It was an ego thing, fear that I failed at her care. That old feeling of not measuring up, a fear of lack. I guess I had to admit to defeat . I finally let go, and Jo was admitted to a nursing facility. From the first day there and on to the present time, she has been happy and well taken care of. On top of that my feeling of well being has increased dramatically. All I had to do is “let Go” of my fear and sense of failure.

Questions

Do any of the terms Holy Spirit, Soul, Consciousness ever come up in your mind or in conversation with others? If so, do you consider any of them relevant to your life ? Perhaps terms of a bygone era, without substance? How likely are you to let go of a position you strongly hold when opposed by another? If it comes to choosing to be right or be in a relationship, what do you choose?

Comments

I know that you and I came up in totally different times. People in my time were church goers, in your time not so much. With all the crap that is going on in the world, and all of the stuff that is most interesting to you at this point in your young life, the stuff I am sharing with you here seems of little or no value. I understand that. I think , however, at some point in your life it will become more meaningful. At least that is my hope.

To me, my long search for who I am  has been most meaningful. I like to think of me as “ the guy inside my body who must chose who to listen to, the spiritual self or the ego self.” To do so requires that I am aware of the present moment, that I strive to be consciously aware-at all times-in my interactions with people and events.

As you may have noticed, I talked a lot about who I am not, who I think of me as being and the spiritual connection (soul, spirit) that I possess . But who am I? To that I defer to Tao-te ching, by Lao-tzu. Tao is the source from which all appearance derives, the unproduced producer of all that is, and the guarantor of its stablity and regularity. The Tao that can be known is not the true Tao.

That’s a bit confusing, but translated, the Tao is what I truly am. The message is that if it is known, that is not it. The concept is simple: what you are is not a thing or object that the mind can grasp. Who I am can not be known. It reminds me of a prayer we would recite in church that includes the phrase “the peace that exceeds all understanding.“

Suggestions

Live your life passionately, let your story unfold. Hopefully you will do so with a steadfast adherence to the principles that define “who you are” at the moment. I will leave this “who am I” discussion with two of the most under rated statements you will ever hear.

You are much more than you think you are.

Life is much greater than the shadows on the wall (ref. Plato allegory of the cave).

Spirituality can be tricky.  I spent a good portion of my time trying to come to terms with this subject as it applies to me. Thousands of years of history, and the teachings of every culture throughout the world, espouse a spiritual dimension shared among all human beings. The spiritual dimension is a bit of a problem, since some would not agree that there is such a thing, and many, many  others who agree that spirituality exists do not agree on the form it takes.

Organized expression of spirituality, in its’ variety of forms, is found in the major religions of the world, as well as other lesser known groups. Within the major religions of the world, there are many different sects, each claiming to possess the truth that the others do not. 

This ambiguity presented a dilemma that I had to face. How do I determine if I am a spiritual being and what does “spiritual” mean. I figured there must be something there, since it has been around since the dawn of time. My experience taught me that my truth was there to be found if I truly sought it.

Although born into Catholic Christianity and a recipient of the sacraments, I had little-to-no understanding of the Church. I did not regularly attend service, didn’t see it as a meaningful part of my life. However, after a time, the birth of children and other unforeseeable events, I discovered my Catholic roots, became a part of that faith community, and experienced a spiritual connection for the first time. 

That connection was supported and strengthened through  participation in faith-based activities with others searching for a deeper ( or more resonant) spiritual meaning. The shared journey with others of similar interest was -in itself- a wonderfully supportive experience. We learned what we could from our time together, then moved on as our paths parted ways.

Many of our friends retained a close relationship with the Church, others moved into other areas of spiritual investigation. We were among the others. I say we, but it really was me that wanted to move on. Jo supported my efforts, although she loves the Catholic Church.

We were introduced to a “Course in Miracles” in the  late 80s and became casual students of its’ teachings. It offered more depth to the spiritual experience by introducing us to two worlds: God and the ego, knowledge and perception, truth and illusion. Again, our path merged with others who were looking for more, and again we learned from each others experience as we studied the course for a time, took what we could and moved on.

The search for a deeper spiritual awareness was secondary to parenting, earning  a living, running  a small business and all the other roles one fills in a life experience. There were, of course, many spiritual lessons that were a direct result of the roles filled at that time.

Retirement Years, Focus on the Big Questions

After the child rearing period, with the kids out of the house, semi-retirement and retirement afforded much more time to address the questions, Who am I? What am I here for? Since moving into our retirement home in ’99, I discovered other resources to help me in my search. Adding to earlier teachings in philosophy and Christianity, I investigated comparative religion, eastern traditions, readings and lectures on Judaism, Buddhism, Zen, Hinduism, Islam. I came to realize that the essence of spiritual thought was essentially the same in all religions. I could very well embrace aspects of each tradition. (I want to emphasize the essence of spiritual thought, not the religious institutions.) The take away for me here was the essence of all religious traditions, being the same, compliments the human being in its’ oneness with all life. All is one, one is all. So “who am I”.

 Questions

Are you confused yet? Do you even care? What do you think, has your PopPop lost it, a form of senility??

Comments

The Christian Bible was written 315 or so years after the death Of Christ. Included were many verses ( written years after generations of accounts communicated verbally). Not all verses were included in the official Bible addition. Verses included were selected at the first ecumenical council at Nicaea, under supervision of Constantine, Emperor of Rome. My thought on the matter is that there had to be some political aspect of the Bibles’ formation. Perhaps a convenient mechanism with which to control the people.

This is not an inditement of Christianity. I believe Jesus of Nazareth is the real deal, and Christianity- in its’ pure form- tells us what we need to know. When ever people get involved, however, truth often gets distorted.

One must consider other factors as well. For instance, there were no printing presses in those days. To reproduce Bibles for the proliferation of the Christian faith required the work of many scribes hand writing each book. One can imagine how personal interpretations and biases effected the original book. To further confuse things, the Bible includes stories, most of which were written to be understood by people 2000 years ago. Of course one of the major roles of priests and ministers is to help us understand the writings as they apply in current times. Perhaps the written word of other religious (non-Christian) organizations reflect similar problems.

What can I say. This has been my life passion. A quest to find the who and why. I certainly don’t expect it to be yours or anyone else’s. I ask you to try to stay with me as I attempt to direct this saga to a conclusion. There is a way to go yet.

Suggestions

I know spirituality to be a dimension of all life. It would’t be a bad idea to look into it if you are so inclined. You can select a faith community, or you can read. There are many good Christian writers. There are many “new age” spiritual writers that I believe you can connect with because (in my view) they are much more relatable. They don’t represent any organized religion, and they present their spiritual teachings in a positive, informative manner. Among those are Eckhart Tolle and Michael Alan Singer. There are a number of others as well.

This is am attempt to look at  “who I am” in a bit more detail i.e., in 3 dimensions. Let’s consider the human being, since that  is what we see when we look into a mirror.  I  like to view this from three perspectives; 1) the social, or day-to-day living “me”, 2) the internal or persona (aka, ego) aspect of “me”, and 3) the physical “me”.

1. The social me-After the birth of our children, Jo and I became involved in a something called marriage encounter. It was essentially an effort to strengthen marriage relationships. It was also a spring board to a new age study program entitled Course in Miracles. They served as a base for my current understanding of “who I am” by helping me to understand “ who I am not”. 

I will use an example that I put together to illustrate  ( Joe Bagadoughnuts) how I would typically identify my self in a social setting. Maybe you can relate to it.

Who are you (dialog between two people)??

I’m Joe Bagadoughnuts.

Yes, that’s your name. Who are you??

I’m Joe Baga—-, from Woodbury, I own the local hardware store.

Well, you have repeated your name, and you told me what you do for a living, but who are you??

I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m Joe Baga—-, from Woodbury, I own the local hardware store. I live on High Street with my wife Betty and two children Ben and Jane.

So, in addition to your name and occupation, you have given me your address and told me you are a husband and father. Is there anything else you can say in response to my question?

What are you looking for, a resume or something? I’m a Catholic, of Italian heritage. I’m a graduate of heffa high, a conservative Republican. I like vanilla ice cream.

OK, when you look in the mirror and see that familiar face staring at you, you see Joe Bag-a—, the hardware guy from Woodbury,  heffa high grad with nice wife, Betty, 2 kids, republican. 

That’s pretty much it. I mean, I have certain aspirations, you know, dreams or desires, goals, stuff like that. I guess that is part of who I am.

Indulge me for a moment as I review those factors that you say define who you are.

First, your name, Joe, Joseph, probably. I’m older than you (pre boomer),.When I was born, there was a sort of naming pecking order. First son, named after paternal Grand dad, second son named after maternal Grand dad, and likewise for daughters and Grand moms. Of course, not all parents followed that age old tradition, but many did. My name, John, was after my maternal Grand dad Giovanni. That became the sound that would summon me, a combination of 3 consonants and one vowel.  If my parents weren’t traditionalists, they may have named me William, after a favorite Uncle or some other name that was meaningful to them.

My name is not who I am, it is just a label, or designation placed on me by my parents. Had they named me Bill, instead of John, I would still be the same person. I am suggesting that if your name was something other than Joe, you would be the same person as well. 

Next, where you are from. Woodbury. Need I elaborate? What if you lived in Westville, or Mantua, would you not be the same guy? I think you would. Woodbury is simply a location, bordered by Westville on one side and Mantua on the other.

Then, your vocation – You own a hardware store. This is a statement of how you earn a living, and the fact that you own something you value. You are your own boss. I suppose you didn’t always own a hardware store. Perhaps you worked in hardware, or some other area. Are you the same person now as you were then? Of course we all get older, perhaps wiser, but -all in all- we’re the same person.

The take away here is “ you are not what you do”.

Joe the family man You are a husband to Betty and a father to Ben and Jane. Two worthy roles that typically last most of your lifetime. However, as important as they are, they are but two of many roles one engages. There is Joe the boss, Joe the best friend, the brother, the mentor, and  others. All meaningful, all things you do, not what you are.

The rest- Political persuasion is what you think about politics. Either religious or not, if so, probably the same as your parents; desires, goals are aspirations, future achievements that you would like to claim.

 This is not who you are; this is your story.

If someone asks me “who are you”, I could honestly say the following. I really don’t know who I am, but I can tell you a lot about me. What specifically do you want to know??

2) The me inside; my persona– Earlier I discussed the origins of my persona. The basic framework of my persona, aka ego, was set during the formative years of my development. It was  built upon the desires, fears, biases, likes and dislikes of my parents, siblings and other influential forces. Those forces shaped the internal me. New  experiences over time further modified and reinforced the me inside. It is a conditioning process that is as unique as the body in which it resides. 

I think of it as how the brain/body views, reacts, or responds to people and events encountered in my life experience. An example might be -the feelings of peace and tranquility I delight in on a warm sunny day with a friend. Another might be the disappointment and anger that I feel when a cold, wet day disrupts my plans. Although the former is desired and the latter is not, they are essentially the same, in that they form what could be called energy patterns (or, collectively, ego) within the persona. They condition the way I react to the weather as it affects my activity.

Body image is  a major factor in my persona. I disliked being short, and was envious of taller men because, I guess, they seemed to get the most positive attention. When meeting such a person for the first time, a sense of lack (energy pattern) would put me in a defensive mode . My tendency would be to become combative ( not in a physical sense), but I would have to prove to myself that I was smarter and more competitive. When I was competing to sell products (as an entrepreneur, an other role) and my competitor was a typical suit (I called them 36 long’s, suit size) with little else going for him, I would have to win. I usually did. That would placate my sense of lack, for a while anyway.

These energy patterns developed over years form a structure, or filter that dictates how I feel about myself, and how I interact with other people and events. A personal example-I had the opportunity to respond positively to my cousin, a young girl, when she sought my opinion regarding her piano playing. I failed to do so. My vanity, perhaps. That occurred 70 years ago and it still bothers me. An energy pattern related to feelings of inadequacy  probably. I had the opportunity to breath life into that small encounter, but chose to take life from it instead. I mention this to illustrate how long-lasting an experience can be. Throughout my life journey, I missed many opportunities. But not all energy patterns stored within my persona result in a negative experience. I’ve seized many opportunities to bring positivity to people and events.

3) The physical me–“The Cosmos is within us. We are made of star stuff. We are the way for the universe to know itself”- Carl Sagan

As I understand the “star stuff”, it is that all of the elements ( primary among which are carbon, nitrogen and oxygen)  make up the world, me, and every living thing on earth as well as in the cosmos. The elements were created by previous generations of stars over 4.5 billion years ago. On an atomic level,  I am one with the entire cosmos. As for DNA, I share 99.9% with other human beings, 99% with a chimpanzee, and- recently discovered, 99% with lettuce, and 99.6 % with carrots. I also share 50% with trees. This is a pretty compelling indication that we are all connected.

When I look into the mirror, however, I don’t see atomic elements, nor do I see DNA. I see a physical form. As a child, what I saw was who I was. As a young adult, my physicality took on additional meaning, since I compared myself to others and usually came up lacking with no connection to anything. I saw myself as a separate being. 

Over time, my searching lead me to a much deeper sense of self. Aside from the atomic elements and DNA that we share, I sense a connection with nature and other beings. A walk in the woods, a shared experience such as the birth of a chiId, the passing of a loved one, recreation with friends and family.

Questions

Can you relate to the social me dialog? Do you think you are your story? Do your roles in life define who you are, or are they a collection of circumstances  that you acquire  in your life experience?

Can you recognize certain biases or traits in yourself that you’ve taken on from your parents, siblings or friends? When persons or events anger you, do you ever consider why? Can you understand that disagreements between you and someone else are simply a matter of different personas (a clashing ego thing), and not so much a matter of right or wrong?

What about the physical you? It’s hard to deny the person you see in the mirror. The physical you, as witnessed in the mirror, changes over the years. Which one are you? Since we share the “star stuff” with all forms of life, can you imagine being part of something more than what you see in the mirror? 

Comments-Who are we really? 

1) Socially, the roles we fill are simply “our story”. 

2) On the inside, i.e ., our self image or persona is defined by our association with parents, siblings, other influential people and events. They become stored energy patterns that provide a framework, or filter through which we view other people and events in time on earth. However important my persona, it isn’t who I am, it is merely a conditioning acquired over the years. 

 3) The physical me consists of elements found everywhere in everything. Our shared DNA reinforce our connection to everything.

I can accept these 3 dimensions as somewhat defining, but there had to be more to me than that. This search for a more in- depth view of my humanity convinced me that there has to be a spiritual connection, and perhaps it plays a larger role in “who I am” than I originally thought.

Suggestions

 I ask you to look underneath the surface of who you are, perspectives that you may not have thought about, and to  consider the view that, perhaps you are much more than you think you  are.

I should also remind you that this writing is a retrospective. That is to say that this information is a product of my life reviewed and assessed by an old man. At your age I had no idea of these insights and although I don’t expect that they will change your current course, I am hopeful that you gain an understanding of what I relate to you. That can benefit you greatly.

. 

My search for answers for the “who and why of my life” began when working on a defense site in Thule, Greenland. With my recently acquired set of books, I began looking for answers by working my way through the development of the western civilization. The masters had much more to say, of course, then I could comprehend. I took from them what ever my life experience would allow at the time of my readings. (Returning to writings that seemed to resonate with me at different stages of maturity gradually resulted in greater clarity. ) I stumbled through the evolution of philosophic thought from the Hellenistic period, through the writings  of Plato,  Aristotle, and others. My interest in philosophy and history led to religion. The transition from multiple Gods to Monotheism, the foundation of Judaism and the beginning of Christianity.

Initially I concluded, from this effort, that I was a human being with a somewhat confusing spiritual connection. As a human being, I learned that looking in the mirror didn’t tell the whole story. And who I thought I was, I wasn’t. As for my spiritual connection, I knew I needed to experience more real spirit-based activity, and find ways to better relate to spiritual teachings. 

Comments

Different Worlds with similar callings?-You and I came up in totally different worlds. Mine was post- world war II. The country was rapidly growing. It was the early “50s and times were good, particularly if you were white and had a stable home environment. There were plenty of work opportunities (with pensions), college was inexpensive, and life was far less complicated. There were less distractions. It was not without problems, however. Discrimination abound in many ways. Organized religion was burdensome and self- serving with it’s ossified structure. Senseless war and public unrest highlighted by the shit show that characterized the late sixties into the eighties. Somewhere in there was the  age of Aquarius, hallucinogenic  drugs, magic mushrooms and a lot of questions. I suppose it was fertile ground for the search for self and spiritual connection. (In case your wondering, I never did magic mushrooms or drugs; wine and scotch did the trick for me).

Your world, however, is quite different, and more challenging  to navigate. The country is totally confused and divided. Jobs with living wages are hard to find for many,  college costs are out of sight and life is difficult for many. Coincidentally,  distractions abound, providing a temporary relief from the daily difficulties that many face. Distraction doesn’t solve problems, it merely puts them off, creating anxiety and depression. That’s the world you live in. I believe you chose this life ( I probably sound like I really  lost it here with this comment – but I believe it) because you possess older, more mature souls than my generation. The conditions of your world are different, although perhaps similar in that they may be conducive to self evaluation, purpose and spiritual investigation. 

Suggestions

Your smart phone is like your brain. It’s a wonderful tool. However tools are meant to be used, they are not supposed to dominate you. You have to consider your incessant use of your smart phone. It usurps your time and conscious awareness. It does not serve your best interest unless thoughtfully employed. Your brain works in similar fashion, but more on that later. “Who you are” is emerging. Trust yourself, own “who you are at this time in your life” and trust the process.

Questions

I asked you in a previous writing to look inside and consciously address your self image, “who you are”. Is this question important to you? If so why, if not- why not? Do you accept the notion that the image presented to you when you look into a mirror is the totality of who you are? What if you added your persona to the mirrored image? And then there are the roles ( i.e, student, teacher, craftsman)- what if they are added to your mirrored image and persona? Is there any room for a spiritual dimension of who you are?

This is  not a quiz. These questions, your responses are totally personal and private. Only you will know about  them. I ask that you consider them because I am attempting to help you discover insights  to your being.”

By the time I reached high school,  I (aka “ little me”) had emerged as a separate person. I was aware of my perceived strengths, and somewhat sensitive body image.  I knew what discrimination felt like, and developed an edge. I think that edge prompted me to be more aggressive although cautious and less accepting. I believe this to be the “core” of my self image. It served me well some of the time, but it also fostered envy and vanity (empty, valueless). I felt lacking when with others for the first time. As a result, I tried to avoid new encounters whenever I could, fearful, I guess, that I wouldn’t measure up. Of course I developed coping mechanisms ( self effacing gestures) that served me in uncomfortable situations. They also became part f my persona. These characteristics  persisted throughout my life. It took a while to recognize them and a longer time to finally own them. 

When in high school, my junior year I think, a song awakened an interest in me. “What am I Here For” Lambert, Hendrics and Ross (jazz singing  group). I began questioning who I was and why was I here. I’m not sure why those questions arose. I think the mood of the country had something to do with it. It was the early ’50s, hippy movement, Haight Ashbury, early drug culture. For whatever reason, my interest was aroused, would develop through the years and remains with me to the present day.

It’s not that I was possessed by these thoughts. In most ways I was like my peers. I was into sports, music and girls, and wondered what I would do after high school. But those bigger questions lingered in the background.

The following 5 years were filled with school, and my entry into the work force. My first major purchase, after completing my college training and getting a job, was a set of books. They would become the source of my information, the basis of my personal library. With this I would begin to address the big questions that so concerned me.

Taking on new roles…..In the mean time, life happened. I changed from a student to technician, and then from a technician to a technical writer. The opportunity arose to go to a missile defense site in Thule, Greenland with RCA. I spent 18 months on site with little to do other than work and sample some of the great minds in my new set of books. New roles included field tech and philosophy student.

Then when I returned to civilization, I added husband and father to my self image. If someone asked me who I was (like meeting someone for the first time) my response depended upon the context in which the question was asked. If work related, my response would be  John Darpino, technical writer with General Electric. In a social setting it might be “Jo’s husband, or Kate and Tony’s son, or Maryanns older brother. Actually, I saw myself as all of these, and more.

Questions

Think about how you feel about your body image.  Also, think about how you compare to others around you. Do your thoughts motivate you to change your appearance in any way? What is your level of comfort when with new people for the first time?  Does that suggest anything to you about your self?

Also, the next time you meet someone for the first time, take notice of how you introduce yourself. Do you offer anything other than your name, and if so, how do you respond if a friendly conversation leads to more detail? Example: your name plus any and all of the following; I am a student, a son ( or daughter ) of ___ & ____, a teacher, a tradesman, etc. 

Comments

As “I” continues to evolve and you become aware of how some or many of your views differ from those of others it is important to embrace who you are, worts and all- be true to yourself, and try to be tolerant of others. ( Hopefully, they are doing the same.) You have the ability and opportunity to increase another’s  sense of being, in essence “breathing life “ into them by honoring their views whether they are aligned with your views or not. Try it and experience the good feelings that result.

Suggestions

Treat perceived success, failure, positive and negative experiences the same. They are your school yard, where you learn and grow. The success and positive experiences are usually accompanied by a heightened sense of being, as if they make you feel more alive, while failure and negative experience is depressing, making you feel less alive. Our mistake is that we focus on the highs and lows, rather than the lessons taught. No wonder so many of us suffer from anxiety and depression.

It all begins with an understanding of who you are…

“ An unexamined life is not worth living” Socrates. There are a number of interpretations of this famous quotation. To me, paramount among them is simply to take time to look within yourself. 

“ This above all: to thine own self be true” W Shakespeare. One of many similar meanings is be true to your self. Don’t do anything that is against your true nature; i.e., your principles

I chose these two time-tested axioms because they get right to the heart of what I have attempted to do during my lifetime and what I am hoping you will consider during yours. That is discovering who you are, and encouraging you to be true to yourself.

The journey begins…..

I am the second child born to Kate and Tony. On April 9,1936, an in- home birth attended by Dr. Principata, in a small apartment off Ferry Ave, in Camden, NJ. Pop was a barber and mom worked in a cigar factory. While they worked, I was attended to by a grandmotherly great aunt.I have distinct memories of those early years. The discomfort of Mom leaving to go to work is perhaps the earliest memory. Others were of happy experiences. My great aunt was wonderful – I called her Mommy, also. I became aware of many more people that were connected to me in one way or another, my grand parents (Pops side) lived very close by, with a couple of young aunts and uncles. My world was expanding and I felt secure, happy, carefree.

At this point in my young life, in retrospect, I think I was somewhat shaped by mild separation anxiety (when mom would leave me to go to work) and a stronger sense of being a part of something pleasant and safe. 

I was 4 years old when we moved to Woodbury Heights, my Moms home town. The move brought new people into my life. Grandparents ( Moms side) lived close by, as did aunts, uncles, and some cousins. My world and “sense of being” continued to expand.

Then came school, new friends, and new experiences. I learned the difference in “feeling connected”  and “accommodated”. Our kind ( Italian American) were a minority in town, and often treated differently  by many of the town folks. The happy, secure feeling of being connected was tempered by this new experience of toleration, which fostered doubt, and insecurity. Somehow, I was different than I once thought.

Among my peers, I was well liked, reasonably intelligent, good at sports, socially adept. I was also short in stature. My self definition, i.e., persona, was becoming more defined. Somewhere, in the process, a “separate being” emerged, taking center stage, as the “connected being” faded in the background. From that time on, “I” began to take form. I would view every experience from the standpoint of how I compared to others in a similar situation. If I compared favorably, I felt good about it. If I didn’t, I felt lacking. Often, that motivated me to work harder to overcome that perceived lack. Usually  that worked for me and my persona was reinforced. Sometimes, however, I came up short and my self image had to be adjusted. In any case, without realizing it, I was establishing limits, or constructing a filter through which I would view people and events encountered in my life experience. The filter would continue to evolve though time, as I became uniquely me.

Questions

When was the last time you took a few minutes to think about your self. Not what you are doing, where you might be going, or something that may  involve others, but simply “who you are”. The word, I think, is introspection- how do you see yourself. Introspection is very personal, only you can do this and only you will ever know. How far back can you go- your earliest recollection, maybe back to your infancy, your connections, mom, dad, sibling-when you first became aware. How did you feel about your body image? Can you recall a sense of connectedness? When did that change, Can you recall the time and circumstances when you recognized your self as a separate person, when “I” emerged? 

Comments

We were all exposed to the desires, neuroses, fears and prejudices of our parents and others close to us, and versed in how to cope with the time and place into which we were born. Our persona is a reflection of those imposed conditions. That persona, developed over time, defines us as a human being with attitudes, prejudices, and fears that became our own, seeded by others. We had no choice but to reflect the values of our environment if we where going to function in its’ society.

Suggestions

Your view of “you” is what your life experience is based on. This is the core of your being and its importance can not be over stated. I ask that you take a few minutes each day-maybe when you sip your coffee in the morning or sit in waiting- to go inside yourself and ask “who am I”. This practice will ground you as you start your day. There are no right or wrong answers here. What ever you come up with as your view of yourself is what it is. I ask you to embrace the image of who you are, take ownership of it, and be true to it.

As time goes by and you gain more experience, your self image will change.

About a year ago, or so, I provided a book that I believe could be meaningful to you as you navigate through your time on this planet. 

Who does that? I asked myself that question before I took such a presumptuous step. My answer: your PopPop, “the man at the top of the clan” ( for a little while yet).  

Well, once again I ask that you indulge me. What I attempt to lay out for you is something you don’t learn in school nor will you  read on your smart phone. It is what I learned in my (soon to be) 88 years, during which my passion has been to discover the who and why of my life.

Why do I think it is important for me to pass this on to you? Because I have seen a lot of change in the time I’ve been here and you will as well. I believe what I have to say will help you to better cope with the twists and turns that will occur as you travel your own unique path through life.

This writing takes the form of a mini-series, with installments recurring weekly. It will take about two months to complete. Each post will take about 10- to 25 minutes to read. The format of this writing includes the following:

A famous quotation or two (when appropriate}, 

A recounting of my own experience over the years (May be useful as background for family tree enthusiasts) and what I am trying to get you to think about , questions for you to ask yourself, some comments and suggestions when I think appropriate

And finally, an opportunity to add a comment if you wish to.