This is am attempt to look at “who I am” in a bit more detail i.e., in 3 dimensions. Let’s consider the human being, since that is what we see when we look into a mirror. I like to view this from three perspectives; 1) the social, or day-to-day living “me”, 2) the internal or persona (aka, ego) aspect of “me”, and 3) the physical “me”.
1. The social me-After the birth of our children, Jo and I became involved in a something called marriage encounter. It was essentially an effort to strengthen marriage relationships. It was also a spring board to a new age study program entitled Course in Miracles. They served as a base for my current understanding of “who I am” by helping me to understand “ who I am not”.
I will use an example that I put together to illustrate ( Joe Bagadoughnuts) how I would typically identify my self in a social setting. Maybe you can relate to it.
Who are you (dialog between two people)??
I’m Joe Bagadoughnuts.
Yes, that’s your name. Who are you??
I’m Joe Baga—-, from Woodbury, I own the local hardware store.
Well, you have repeated your name, and you told me what you do for a living, but who are you??
I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m Joe Baga—-, from Woodbury, I own the local hardware store. I live on High Street with my wife Betty and two children Ben and Jane.
So, in addition to your name and occupation, you have given me your address and told me you are a husband and father. Is there anything else you can say in response to my question?
What are you looking for, a resume or something? I’m a Catholic, of Italian heritage. I’m a graduate of heffa high, a conservative Republican. I like vanilla ice cream.
OK, when you look in the mirror and see that familiar face staring at you, you see Joe Bag-a—, the hardware guy from Woodbury, heffa high grad with nice wife, Betty, 2 kids, republican.
That’s pretty much it. I mean, I have certain aspirations, you know, dreams or desires, goals, stuff like that. I guess that is part of who I am.
Indulge me for a moment as I review those factors that you say define who you are.
First, your name, Joe, Joseph, probably. I’m older than you (pre boomer),.When I was born, there was a sort of naming pecking order. First son, named after paternal Grand dad, second son named after maternal Grand dad, and likewise for daughters and Grand moms. Of course, not all parents followed that age old tradition, but many did. My name, John, was after my maternal Grand dad Giovanni. That became the sound that would summon me, a combination of 3 consonants and one vowel. If my parents weren’t traditionalists, they may have named me William, after a favorite Uncle or some other name that was meaningful to them.
My name is not who I am, it is just a label, or designation placed on me by my parents. Had they named me Bill, instead of John, I would still be the same person. I am suggesting that if your name was something other than Joe, you would be the same person as well.
Next, where you are from. Woodbury. Need I elaborate? What if you lived in Westville, or Mantua, would you not be the same guy? I think you would. Woodbury is simply a location, bordered by Westville on one side and Mantua on the other.
Then, your vocation – You own a hardware store. This is a statement of how you earn a living, and the fact that you own something you value. You are your own boss. I suppose you didn’t always own a hardware store. Perhaps you worked in hardware, or some other area. Are you the same person now as you were then? Of course we all get older, perhaps wiser, but -all in all- we’re the same person.
The take away here is “ you are not what you do”.
Joe the family man You are a husband to Betty and a father to Ben and Jane. Two worthy roles that typically last most of your lifetime. However, as important as they are, they are but two of many roles one engages. There is Joe the boss, Joe the best friend, the brother, the mentor, and others. All meaningful, all things you do, not what you are.
The rest- Political persuasion is what you think about politics. Either religious or not, if so, probably the same as your parents; desires, goals are aspirations, future achievements that you would like to claim.
This is not who you are; this is your story.
If someone asks me “who are you”, I could honestly say the following. I really don’t know who I am, but I can tell you a lot about me. What specifically do you want to know??
2) The me inside; my persona– Earlier I discussed the origins of my persona. The basic framework of my persona, aka ego, was set during the formative years of my development. It was built upon the desires, fears, biases, likes and dislikes of my parents, siblings and other influential forces. Those forces shaped the internal me. New experiences over time further modified and reinforced the me inside. It is a conditioning process that is as unique as the body in which it resides.
I think of it as how the brain/body views, reacts, or responds to people and events encountered in my life experience. An example might be -the feelings of peace and tranquility I delight in on a warm sunny day with a friend. Another might be the disappointment and anger that I feel when a cold, wet day disrupts my plans. Although the former is desired and the latter is not, they are essentially the same, in that they form what could be called energy patterns (or, collectively, ego) within the persona. They condition the way I react to the weather as it affects my activity.
Body image is a major factor in my persona. I disliked being short, and was envious of taller men because, I guess, they seemed to get the most positive attention. When meeting such a person for the first time, a sense of lack (energy pattern) would put me in a defensive mode . My tendency would be to become combative ( not in a physical sense), but I would have to prove to myself that I was smarter and more competitive. When I was competing to sell products (as an entrepreneur, an other role) and my competitor was a typical suit (I called them 36 long’s, suit size) with little else going for him, I would have to win. I usually did. That would placate my sense of lack, for a while anyway.
These energy patterns developed over years form a structure, or filter that dictates how I feel about myself, and how I interact with other people and events. A personal example-I had the opportunity to respond positively to my cousin, a young girl, when she sought my opinion regarding her piano playing. I failed to do so. My vanity, perhaps. That occurred 70 years ago and it still bothers me. An energy pattern related to feelings of inadequacy probably. I had the opportunity to breath life into that small encounter, but chose to take life from it instead. I mention this to illustrate how long-lasting an experience can be. Throughout my life journey, I missed many opportunities. But not all energy patterns stored within my persona result in a negative experience. I’ve seized many opportunities to bring positivity to people and events.
3) The physical me–“The Cosmos is within us. We are made of star stuff. We are the way for the universe to know itself”- Carl Sagan
As I understand the “star stuff”, it is that all of the elements ( primary among which are carbon, nitrogen and oxygen) make up the world, me, and every living thing on earth as well as in the cosmos. The elements were created by previous generations of stars over 4.5 billion years ago. On an atomic level, I am one with the entire cosmos. As for DNA, I share 99.9% with other human beings, 99% with a chimpanzee, and- recently discovered, 99% with lettuce, and 99.6 % with carrots. I also share 50% with trees. This is a pretty compelling indication that we are all connected.
When I look into the mirror, however, I don’t see atomic elements, nor do I see DNA. I see a physical form. As a child, what I saw was who I was. As a young adult, my physicality took on additional meaning, since I compared myself to others and usually came up lacking with no connection to anything. I saw myself as a separate being.
Over time, my searching lead me to a much deeper sense of self. Aside from the atomic elements and DNA that we share, I sense a connection with nature and other beings. A walk in the woods, a shared experience such as the birth of a chiId, the passing of a loved one, recreation with friends and family.
Questions
Can you relate to the social me dialog? Do you think you are your story? Do your roles in life define who you are, or are they a collection of circumstances that you acquire in your life experience?
Can you recognize certain biases or traits in yourself that you’ve taken on from your parents, siblings or friends? When persons or events anger you, do you ever consider why? Can you understand that disagreements between you and someone else are simply a matter of different personas (a clashing ego thing), and not so much a matter of right or wrong?
What about the physical you? It’s hard to deny the person you see in the mirror. The physical you, as witnessed in the mirror, changes over the years. Which one are you? Since we share the “star stuff” with all forms of life, can you imagine being part of something more than what you see in the mirror?
Comments-Who are we really?
1) Socially, the roles we fill are simply “our story”.
2) On the inside, i.e ., our self image or persona is defined by our association with parents, siblings, other influential people and events. They become stored energy patterns that provide a framework, or filter through which we view other people and events in time on earth. However important my persona, it isn’t who I am, it is merely a conditioning acquired over the years.
3) The physical me consists of elements found everywhere in everything. Our shared DNA reinforce our connection to everything.
I can accept these 3 dimensions as somewhat defining, but there had to be more to me than that. This search for a more in- depth view of my humanity convinced me that there has to be a spiritual connection, and perhaps it plays a larger role in “who I am” than I originally thought.
Suggestions
I ask you to look underneath the surface of who you are, perspectives that you may not have thought about, and to consider the view that, perhaps you are much more than you think you are.
I should also remind you that this writing is a retrospective. That is to say that this information is a product of my life reviewed and assessed by an old man. At your age I had no idea of these insights and although I don’t expect that they will change your current course, I am hopeful that you gain an understanding of what I relate to you. That can benefit you greatly.
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John 