By the time I reached high school, I (aka “ little me”) had emerged as a separate person. I was aware of my perceived strengths, and somewhat sensitive body image. I knew what discrimination felt like, and developed an edge. I think that edge prompted me to be more aggressive although cautious and less accepting. I believe this to be the “core” of my self image. It served me well some of the time, but it also fostered envy and vanity (empty, valueless). I felt lacking when with others for the first time. As a result, I tried to avoid new encounters whenever I could, fearful, I guess, that I wouldn’t measure up. Of course I developed coping mechanisms ( self effacing gestures) that served me in uncomfortable situations. They also became part f my persona. These characteristics persisted throughout my life. It took a while to recognize them and a longer time to finally own them.
When in high school, my junior year I think, a song awakened an interest in me. “What am I Here For” Lambert, Hendrics and Ross (jazz singing group). I began questioning who I was and why was I here. I’m not sure why those questions arose. I think the mood of the country had something to do with it. It was the early ’50s, hippy movement, Haight Ashbury, early drug culture. For whatever reason, my interest was aroused, would develop through the years and remains with me to the present day.
It’s not that I was possessed by these thoughts. In most ways I was like my peers. I was into sports, music and girls, and wondered what I would do after high school. But those bigger questions lingered in the background.
The following 5 years were filled with school, and my entry into the work force. My first major purchase, after completing my college training and getting a job, was a set of books. They would become the source of my information, the basis of my personal library. With this I would begin to address the big questions that so concerned me.
Taking on new roles…..In the mean time, life happened. I changed from a student to technician, and then from a technician to a technical writer. The opportunity arose to go to a missile defense site in Thule, Greenland with RCA. I spent 18 months on site with little to do other than work and sample some of the great minds in my new set of books. New roles included field tech and philosophy student.
Then when I returned to civilization, I added husband and father to my self image. If someone asked me who I was (like meeting someone for the first time) my response depended upon the context in which the question was asked. If work related, my response would be John Darpino, technical writer with General Electric. In a social setting it might be “Jo’s husband, or Kate and Tony’s son, or Maryanns older brother. Actually, I saw myself as all of these, and more.
Questions
Think about how you feel about your body image. Also, think about how you compare to others around you. Do your thoughts motivate you to change your appearance in any way? What is your level of comfort when with new people for the first time? Does that suggest anything to you about your self?
Also, the next time you meet someone for the first time, take notice of how you introduce yourself. Do you offer anything other than your name, and if so, how do you respond if a friendly conversation leads to more detail? Example: your name plus any and all of the following; I am a student, a son ( or daughter ) of ___ & ____, a teacher, a tradesman, etc.
Comments
As “I” continues to evolve and you become aware of how some or many of your views differ from those of others it is important to embrace who you are, worts and all- be true to yourself, and try to be tolerant of others. ( Hopefully, they are doing the same.) You have the ability and opportunity to increase another’s sense of being, in essence “breathing life “ into them by honoring their views whether they are aligned with your views or not. Try it and experience the good feelings that result.
Suggestions
Treat perceived success, failure, positive and negative experiences the same. They are your school yard, where you learn and grow. The success and positive experiences are usually accompanied by a heightened sense of being, as if they make you feel more alive, while failure and negative experience is depressing, making you feel less alive. Our mistake is that we focus on the highs and lows, rather than the lessons taught. No wonder so many of us suffer from anxiety and depression.
John 